Team Discussion of the Month: Love Knows No Size
Valentine’s Day is upon us!
Perhaps because our culture holds romantic love in such high esteem, typically above other forms of love (such as familial love and the love shared between friends), this very reminder of the upcoming holiday carries great significance for many—and not always in the holiday’s favor.
In fact, in a recent survey, nearly a quarter (23 percent) of the more than a thousand U.S. adults surveyed reported experiencing negative feelings about the nearing holiday, including loneliness, sadness, annoyance, and even dread (Thayer, 2018). According to the survey, single, non-dating adults (26 percent) experienced more loneliness amidst the oncoming holiday than their dating (19 percent) and coupled (6 percent) counterparts (Thayer, 2018).
The reasons for people’s negativity toward the holiday are numerous.
For one, Valentine’s Day has long been a commercial holiday, prompting in many people a justifiable bitterness about the holiday’s commodification of romantic love. Together, the industries that sell us “romantic love”—as red rose bouquets, overpriced boxed chocolates, mass-produced greeting cards, and the shiny metals and stones we’ve deemed “precious” (the monetary value of which somehow determines the quality of the gift-givers love for their Valentine), just to name a few—rake in billions of our dollars every Valentine’s Day. The holiday, in and of itself, is a booming industry.
If you’re someone who harbors some degree of skepticism about Valentine’s Day given its increasing focus on “stuff” (as a substitute for love), it makes sense. In fact, this critical attitude may very well reflect not disdain for romantic love, but a desire to protect it.
At the same time, many people’s negative feelings about the looming holiday as a whole, whether they’re more self-protective or vulnerable by nature, may indeed have to do with romantic relationships themselves.
When taken as it is, romantic love, without all the unrealistic aspirations we attach to it—such as to save us from suffering or be the sole source of our happiness and fulfillment—can be joyful, meaningful, and transformative. You don’t have to care about having a romantic relationship yourself to still be capable of acknowledging that this can be, and is, true for many others. There’s nothing childish or pathological about desiring a romantic partnership—and not just any romantic relationship, but one in which you’re celebrated loudly for who you are as you are.
Why do so many of us believe ourselves to be the exceptions to this rule? For starters, we have a variety of damaging, even oppressive myths in our culture that speak to the question of who is and isn’t deserving of romantic love; myths that are perpetuated in the media, in our families and friend groups, in how we hold and talk to ourselves, and in our romantic relationships themselves. Cultural burdens become the burdens we, ourselves, bear.
One such myth is that romantic relationships are reserved for straight-size (i.e., non-plus-size) people.
The idea that our lovability and desirability depend on our size and appearance is pervasive in various aspects of our culture.
Just take a look at our media alone. People in larger bodies are rarely represented in mainstream films and TV shows, particularly in leading roles—and when they are, their size is frequently a focus, if not the focus, of the story and/or character.
Being constantly exposed to media that overwhelmingly showcases skinny, conventionally attractive people makes it next to impossible to not internalize the conventional beauty standards it promotes. As a result, so many of us mistakenly believe we must conform to such standards to be attractive and lovable.
These fatphobic beauty standards are also rife on social media, especially photo- and video-driven platforms like TikTok, Instagram, and Snapchat.
For instance, in just the last few weeks, the trend #legginglegs erupted on TikTok and Instagram as flocks of users came forward to name skinny bodies the “ideal” body type for leggings.
However, fatphobia doesn’t always show up on social media so overtly. Take our current Ozempic craze, which has all but gone away since arising over a year ago.
Last year, public health researchers found that the first 100 video results under the hashtag #Ozempic on TikTok—which, importantly, were mainly uploaded by consumers—were viewed approximately 70 million times (Basch et al., 2023). The off-label use of the diabetes drug and others like it for weight loss has become so popular that many people who actually need the medication (i.e., people with diabetes) are unable to access it.
Furthermore, our cultural obsession with thinness does not impact all genders equally; it’s also a function of patriarchy.
As author Naomi Wolf astutely observes in her seminal feminist text The Beauty Myth, “A culture fixated on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty, but an obsession about female obedience.” The unrealistic beauty standards imposed on women are not arbitrary but, instead, a form of sexist social control, designed to keep women small and men in power.
Therefore, we cannot earnestly address diet culture without acknowledging the patriarchal culture in which it’s situated.
While fatphobia and sexism are systemic problems that cannot be solved with a simple dose of self-love, we are here to dispel the myth that people in larger bodies cannot and do not have emotionally and physically satisfying relationships.
Romantic love is not something you “earn” at a certain body size. No matter your size, you do not have to change your body in order to be deserving of a romantic partner who shows you—consistently, intentionally, and publicly—that you are cherished, wanted, and loved. This is allowed to be your expectation rather than hope you harbor with embarrassment or as a far-off pipe dream.
If you’re struggling as we approach Valentine’s Day and/or know someone who is, you’re not alone.
Regardless of your body size, relationship status, and how you’re spending the upcoming holiday, we leave you with these reminders to take into Valentine’s Day and the rest of 2024:
You are worthy of being loved. It’s not your job to convince people of your lovability. If you find yourself choosing partners with whom you find yourself pining for basic affection and care, you can simply be curious about the part of yourself that learned it’s not safe to be seen and known.
Celebrate all forms of love. Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be exclusively about romantic love. Honor love in all its forms—love for family, for friends, for pets, for the Earth, and, arguably most importantly, for yourself.
Your relationship status doesn’t define your worth. Whether you're in a romantic relationship or not, your worth is not determined by your relationship status. Cherish the connections you have and focus on building meaningful relationships, whether romantic or platonic.
Begin Eating Disorder and Body Image Therapy in California
Kindful Body can help you positively transform the way you think and feel about your body. At Kindful Body, we utilize the most cutting-edge, evidence-based approaches, including Internal Family Systems (IFS), EMDR, and Somatic-based modalities. You can begin therapy with us by following these steps:
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation with our client care coordinator.
Connect with a caring, experienced eating disorder therapist.
Start improving the relationship between you and your body!
Other Services offered by Kindful Body
Our team is happy to offer a variety of services in support of your mental health. This is why our team is happy to offer counseling services focused on self-esteem issues, trauma and PTSD, emotional eating recovery, nutrition counseling, binge eating disorder, and body image. You can start receiving support from Sacramento, San Jose, Oakland/Berkeley, Walnut Creek, San Mateo, Orange County, or anywhere in California. Learn more about us by checking out our blog and FAQs page.
References
Basch, C. H., Narayanan, S., Tang, H., Fera, J., & Basch, C. E. (2023). Descriptive analysis of TikTok videos posted under the hashtag #Ozempic. Journal of Medicine, Surgery, and Public Health, 1, 100013. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.glmedi.2023.100013
Thayer, C. (2018, February 12). Love Valentine’s Day? It’s Complicated: The Heart of the Matter: A Survey About Valentine’s Day and Social Connections. AARP. Accessed 5 February 2024.